Well....So I took 3 days off from writing. I haven't really felt like writing, plus I got some new video software at work so I have been busy playing and editing with that.
Over the last week, things have really felt different to me. I've been dealing again with my dilemma and trying again to figure out what it is I believe. Whenever I get in this "funk" it just makes time go by so slow and makes things seem out-of-wack.
Really, I have been dealing with the importance of community and music in my life. Up until the last year, I have been fairly involved in the music at the churches I have attended. It was something I loved doing and brought a sense of peace in me when I was free to worship with my church family in a way that was very personal to me.
However, since we have moved, I have almost quit playing even for myself. I have been somewhat scared to worship on my own for no other reason that I am scared. I'm not really sure what I am scared of, but it scares me. On top of that, I have kept myself from getting involved in that area because of expectations I have placed in my heart. When trying to find answers, I can't really find anywhere where it says that quality of music in a service is important, but then on the other hand I know we are to strive for excellence in what we are doing.
Honestly, other than a couple concerts, I've really only had two worship pastors that I felt really ushered me into worship and I miss this both dearly. Now that I live 2+ hours from them, I don't really get to experience that. They were terrific at what they did, not because they were amazing musicians (which they are), but when they led, you felt their heart...you knew they wanted nothing else other than to worship Jesus and bring others along side them to do the same.
The hard part now, is that I expect that of all people that lead music, yet it is hard to find. I struggle so much with trying to figure out if it is just my heart is in the wrong place or if it is ok to expect something more.
As far as my struggle with the importance of community...it's been a real challenge as well. I look at how the first followers of Christ lived and how they chose to give up everything just to spend time with Him and other believers, yet many of us find it hard to give up one day a week. I yearn to be in a community that wants nothing other than to be together in Christ. I want to meet other than on Sunday's so that I have people to grow with...people to challenge me...people to work with to make a difference.
Most people who I have been in small group with, would probably say I don't talk very much while in the group. What I never shared was how important the group was and that a major reason I liked to be in the groups was to find out how others are and being able to help them in any way I can. I love helping people. I love living life with people. I love seeing others lives be changed....it changes my life. It gives me a sense of community. It gives me a sense of Love...God's love.
Some of you may have been at the choir performance this last Sunday night, when my wife gave her testimony. Personally, I would have to say it was moving. It was moving because it was real. Too many people just aren't real. This was. It reminded me of why I love her and why I fell in love with her. It was the highlight of my week.
I say that, because that is what community is about. Community is about being real...being honest...being who God created you to be. I hesitate to post this because I don't want to offend people that I care about....but in not posting it....I am not being real...I am not being honest....I am not sharing who I am and how I am doing.