I have been told many times that I am stubborn. I know I am. I can get so stuck on principle. I live a large part of my life based on a lot of principles, while other areas are less fixed. I've been told I am strong willed....which I totally embrace. I think being strong willed is a good thing and to a certain extent pray that each of my kids can be....granted I don't want to have those battles with them either.
Anyway, I have found myself questioning my beliefs. Not that I doubt God, but I have had thoughts run through my head like, "what if I have been wasting so much of my life following a God that is just there to make us feel better and make us better people?" I've had numerous things happen in my life that can't be construed as anything other than God playing a personal role in my life, but then again He did the same for the Israelites and they too had doubts. So I know I'm not alone.
I also found myself loosing my trust and hope in people. I know that we are to put both of those in God, but I just felt so naive for believing that certain people could be trusted or that I could ever hope for something different from them. Losing hope is quite the killer of one's spirit.
Quite a while back (Well over a year ago), I shared a song by Shane and Shane that I have gone back to many many times. I love the song. It bring so many thoughts rushing through my head bring me comfort in the midst of hard times, yet I never really applied to my life as a whole. I never really applied to it where I have been and where my mind has been stuck for so long.
The song says,
"Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need."
I woke up this morning with this song running through my head as if God was once again was reminding me of what I had said time and time again. He reminded me that I needed to apply it to my whole life and not just specific circumstances. It was a reminder that regardless of what has happened in life I can't let anything consume me more than my heart for worshiping God.
Perhaps not a lot changes other than my outlook on life and the reason's I am motivated. Perhaps my understanding that you can't trust some people and there might not change is not in vain. God allows us to go through certain circumstances to help us better understand what He is trying to teach us or based on who we are in Him.
Maybe I am the only one that deals with this sort of stuff. Perhaps my strong will and stubbornness keeps me there long than most other people. Either way, I have to believe that God works in some crazy ways to reach us sometimes and while I don't always care for my circumstances I have to believe He is still all I need.