In 2002, God called me to music ministry. Following Him through the schooling and degree program, I felt like I had found my identity. I thought I had found who He wanted me to be, who He created me to be. It felt like a great place to be. It felt like I was in the middle of His will. It felt like I had found who I was. It wasn't till a few years later that I learned that was not the case.
It's not that I wasn't doing what He was asking, but rather that was not my destination. It was just a means to get me where He wanted me to be.
It was in that journey, that I followed Him and got my music degree which led met to a church in Olathe, Kansas called Living Hope. I was changed a lot while I was there. I learned what it was like to follow Christ as a community. I learned how to really worship our Creator God. It was through this change that I felt God transformed my calling to youth ministry.
I was thrilled again that He had brought me to a place again where He could use me. I felt like I was again in the middle of what He wanted me to do and that He was giving me a better vision of who He wanted me to be.
I thought going into music ministry was going to be a stretch, because I didn't really know much about music at the time. I just played a little. I got over that fear and found a way to trust God through it. Being a youth minister though was a different story. I had built relationships with quite a few teens and had found that my music was going to be able help me relate to them in a different way. It made sense why He wanted me to get a music degree. It was how He was preparing me.
After being there for 15 months, I started to see things in my life that I knew were not right. A lot of my relationships were shaky at best. I had been doing so much in my own strength that I had forgotten who I was. I was lost. I didn't know what to do. We moved and my identity as a youth pastor was no more.
It has been almost a year since then and I am still not sure what to do. I can see reasons why we are living where we are and have had numerous opportunities we have never had before. However, I am back to wondering who does God wants me to be? Who is it that God created me to be?
I have to admit that I enjoy where I am at now, but sometimes I feel like I am wasting time. I feel as if God has called me to be something more and I am sitting idly by as life is happening and I am not making a difference.
In my head I know my identity is not in what I do and that it is in Christ. I know I am a child of God and He bought me with a price and I am His. I know that....I believe that.....but do I live it?
So that is where I sit today. I sit wondering. I know I can't handle being in part time ministry. I can't put my family through that again. I don't think God would ask me to, but I can't imagine though that God called me to a life of ministry before and has sense released me from it. Why would I spend years learning, just for a year of service? It has got me perplexed and really wondering what's next?
I have to admit, I hate waiting. I hate being in a place of uncertainty, but that is where I am.
So now what.....