I miss it

I have heard many phrases like "the grasses is always greener on the other side, but that's because its AstroTurf" and "you never know what you have until it's gone." I have always fully believed it.  I still do.

For quite some time now, I have limited myself to how much I play guitar.  It's not that I don't like to play, nor is it that I don't want to play, its almost that it hurts to play very much.

A few years ago, I was regularly playing with a group of guys that really taught me how to love worship music. Yes, I know worship music isn't the be-all-end-all of music by any means, but the experience of playing with a group and being able to get lost in the emotion and experience of the situation is something I will never forget.

The guys I played with were great musicians in their own right, but when you put them together something was just right.  For me, I felt like a brand new guitar player getting to play with world class musicians.  They could make just about anyone sound good.  God blessed them.  God used them.  He still does.

However, a couple years ago that all ended for me.  I moved away.  I found a few other musicians to work with, to play with, to create an experience with.  They too were great musicians.  They weren't as experienced in worship music, but there was hope.  That too came to an end with another move.

I have spent well over a year trying to figure out what to do. I miss playing with those guys.  I miss the experience. I miss feeling like I am in the midst of God's presence in music.

I've been told over and over again that if you have the heart of worship you should be able to worship God regardless of the quality, style, or setting.  For some reason, even though I feel like I have a heart for worship I can't.  There is just something about being connected with people in worship that makes it that much more real to me.

Sure I can worship on my own, by myself at my house, but it is still not the same.  God designed us to be in relationship with one another.  I can't imagine that it is any different when it comes to worshiping Him in music.  I think He delights when a group is so in love with Him that they want to do the best they can to express that love through music.

If you were reading my blog last year, you may remember me touching on the subject of playing my guitar and how music was a major part of my life in the past.  However, I have let it go for some time and haven't really said a whole lot about it.  It was almost as if I was distancing myself from it.

Recently, I began to really realize I know a few people that are great musicians.  They love their craft and are dedicated to it.

One of my biggest hesitations with getting back into playing regularly is that I know it takes commitment.  At the first church I mentioned, we had weekly practices, the members were committed and we grew as a group.  After that first move, I became a youth pastor and the musicians I worked with respected me and were eager to play together.  They would practice, try anything, and we grew.  Now, few people even know my love and passion for true worship.

I have a hard time, sometimes, with playing together to just be playing together.  I long for the days when both the relationship and music were important enough to invest time into .  I miss the overwhelming sense of God's presence.  Maybe I am just naive about what worship really is.  Maybe I am longing for something that I will never have again.

I just know I miss it.